vicissitude, convoluted.

you, the xylem.
i, the phloem.


unscrewing ruminations;
cascading premonitions.

this space.
the distance

of

A
to
Z;

of the sky to

the moon.

your cunning gaunt
echoes a deafening sound,

of ten thousand decibels ----

but not quite.
not quite.


somewhere far

the girl with the

dreamcatcher tattoo
runs home.

and finds nothing,

but cobwebs and
illiterate hardbounds of atlas.

this stark blindness

ushers down
as it traces
back to the acromion process
of this solid,
unparalleled nostalgia.

waning,
wailing in vain.

how far,

is near?
the miniscule minutes,
the fragments of days

are that mastodon nightmares

choking us, burying us

six-feet-underground;


to the pitfall

of nothingness ----

and

loneliness.

day 1.

i cannot act
like i just
don't care.

because i do.

and it gets harder as the clock
continues its stinging movement
making you move
farther away
and away,

from me.

i don't.
i don't want this to end...

not yet, love.









please?

rumors.

i bleed.
i break.

nothing humors me
than some fancy old diabolical
parable, that is meant
to deceive.

i lie.
i cheat.

nothing pleasures me
than seeing people
fuck each other up.

i laugh.
i cringe.

nothing excites me
more than witnessing a throng
go crazy over
some fictitious
character that
is melded to perfection.

as if, one truly exists.

i run.
i grieve.

nothing,
is worth the pain,
lest you know
it is REAL.

i love.
i screw up.

nothing,
can bring me
to my knees,
no one
except,

YOU.

It was that day. The same day when you and I defied all odds.
But it was different then, was it?
You felt things. You were brave enough to prove it.

And I was courageous enough to give this a chance.
I wish things didn’t have to change at all.
This won’t be easy. It won’t.
Of all the people, I, with the steel of heart,
Breakdown.

Now, with all that’s left of us
I just wish you find where you rightfully belong.
No, I won’t be the cause of your demise.
I won’t.

We all want freedom.
Is this the way we’re supposed to have it?
I hope to be a free man. But I never want to be a lone man.
One thing’s for sure though.


Somewhere, somehow, I know I would never love anybody ever again.

... is the biggest LOSER.

Spindles.

An unchartered territory,

And a drop of your blood;

I taste freedom.

I feel human,

Enough to get me burned.



Prosaic falsehoods,

Pinned down to deceive.

You, have been warned.



Undaunted, you have become;

As the sky turns into the blackest of black.



Ripples of doubt,

Battling with steels of faith.

A perplexing dilemma,

An impending abomination;

Leaving you in remorse.





A distinct sound,

Calling out for redemption;

Here comes the end;



Of an unfaithful affair.

...

Do you really want me back?
So you say.

I wish I am smarter.
I wish I am more independent.
I wish I know what I am doing.

Fall back.
Take a step backwards.
I don’t care anymore.

Now you know who I am
You know what I can do

I am rather stupid,
I am clueless most of the time
I am miserable

But I guess,
That took a toll on you.

And maybe you’re thinking
How you made the biggest mistake of all.

Funny isn't it?

Now, you’re stuck.

I’ll put the mud on my face, now.
‘Coz I can’t turn back, no more.

Wiped Out.

The mirage of having the good life, added by the grandiose idea of living it easy --- is a total misfit. You see, pleasure is different from happiness. You cannot have both. It doesn’t work that way, believe me. And as I became more aware of people’s constant search for the brighter side of things to happen, the more I felt that, there is a huge dilemma that is coming on, for all of us.

When we want something, clearly, we are to expect something. Whether it is the acquisition for such that satisfy us, or the effort we threw in, that has been appreciated. Either way, we are waiting and wanting for that something to transpire. We don’t really acknowledge it, for facing the truth will defeat the purpose of saying (and make-believing), that we are not expecting anything. It is what it is.
There are things you want for yourself, to the point where you become selfish and irrational. No one can stop you from doing so, because it breeds from your own will power --- no one forced you to it, and so you get out of your way just to have it. It may be a good thing too, because you know exactly what you want without so much as a fuss; but then the downside of it is, once you fail doing so, you’d just be as clueless as ever.

There can be actually a million tactics that one could use to arm oneself from the unknown predicament of reality. A thousand multitude excuses, left and right, and still, people are as hapless as they could ever be. It is a shame not to make things happen for yourself no matter how hard you try. And yes, it is a pity. However, people must take note of that situation; because honestly, they need to know the pains, sufferings and consequences of their actions. If not now, when?

The ugly truth should slice through us like a sharp needle. It should be downright strong and yet, should possess a simple yet straightforward kind of nature. So as not to confuse, yes, CONFUSE anyone. That, and not make them assume that something is going on, that it’s not what it should look like and be like. Beating around the bush is getting quite old, and many people are deceived by it. To spare the fragile and pure hearts out there, one must really contest his real deal. Being bold is not a sin, but being dubious about something can mislead a person and things could turn sour. Not a fancy act, if you ask me.
You see, the problem here is, we don’t know exactly where the thin line goes that separates sweetness from kindness, like from love, nice from polite --- and those things that could be misinterpreted in a million ways. How does one know, which is which? The key factor when digesting such traits is to know the person by the littlest of his details. The way he changes his tone when he speaks, the way he touches his hair when he’s nervous, the way he frowns when he’s disappointed; well, you get the idea. One must be warned though, it is a rather difficult job but once you learn the art of deciphering, it won’t take you long before you know what kind of person, one is. It’s enough to know whether a person is sincere or not.

One more thing, if you’re not completely sure, don’t take the plunge --- just yet. Some folks may disagree with me on this, but that’s their take. Yes, sometimes we get lucky when we leap before we look, however, that’s not the case each and everytime. Certain things definitely have to be scrutinized and thought carefully, until we reach the most plausible decision. There are just some issues that heeds for appropriate solutions at its best form (when haggling doesn’t work anymore).

We may find that the road towards the end of the tunnel can be a bitter pill, that’s the way it is sometimes. We can’t say no to everything unpleasant. Although, of course, arriving at the coveted finish line, where all the sweetness and hallelujahs combined rushes all over us, takes and drains all the hardships away. Oh, I really believe in the balance of things, and I have a high respect for it. The good and bad karma playing their cards where it rightfully belongs --- don’t you think so? Patience, really is a nice virtue.
With that being said, I think we should lessen the sulkiness that stems from the not-so-good times we have. Positive vibes, it’s what we need. Spare a little for yourself, don’t give it all away. Being open and preserving oneself are two different notions. Know what is from the other.



I think people sometimes forget that they’re just human beings. They forget that they could be as insensitive and as sensitive, could be as blunt and as uncertain. We know when we know. We don’t when we don’t. For a while it gets tricky, alright, but do we have to pretend everytime? Just suck up to it, and do better next time. Say sorry when needed but mean it, and return the favour when you have to, but be gracious when you do.

As for me, I have a lot to learn. There are issues that I have to confront with which I have to defy against all odds, some I need to place in the back seat, others I have to carry with me and find a way out of it, and things that I need and have to finish to enable me to become the person I am hoping to be.

I do not ask you to believe and agree with everything I have written. Just my two cents, ready to be gambled at. :)

Parabolic Satiety.

Tired and weary,
I say to myself: Get a move on, get a move on.


I had to fight. I have to understand.
I need to know what I am worthy of.
If I am enough, or simply not.


Not a soul can read the words I speak of.
Too many sacrifices done, and still, nothing.
It breaks me. Tears me apart.
And when I thought I was rescued,
I drowned some more.


Its weight pushes me to the ground.
Pierces through my hollow skin;
Burns it and leaves me scarred.


Too much or too little,
I have lost count.
In this unfamiliar turf,
I bowed down.
Thus, I let the grief wash over me.


But I have yet, to give up.
Long before,
It takes all of me --- consumed.

I love you.

people may be STUPID, but they are not any less, insensitive.

ei.bee.si.

It has been more than a year now, since I met him.

A lot has changed. My life took a 360-degree turn from everything I thought I knew; and I assumed I had better judgment then. Looking back, I had come to the realization, that what I was yesterday, is very different from the I, that I am now and will be.

What I believed in? Was this: Thy Will Be Done.
---
It sounded brilliant. It seemed profound. It looked holy-like.

But what it was, was really an escape from being accountable for all your actions. It served as a blind support to one’s immaturity and self-centeredness. It was a preposterous excuse for being judgmental and being irrational.

In my opinion, the values, the morals, and the philosophies, to which I built my character, were way superficial. It lacked conviction. There were no solid grounds where they could stand on their own. It was empty. And so was I.

I struggled to find where exactly, I would fit in. Numerous attempts were tried, each one, failed. I got no answer to it, I just fumbled. Thus, I walk away every time. Never, have I imagined that I will be this liberated. What I know now, what I believe --- I owe it to that man. He helped me view things in an unconventional but truthful manner; pulled me out of the deluded notions I was protecting and fighting for (which were ages ago). I think I am now a made individual and I really would like to believe in that.

There must be a right time for everything then because honestly, where I am at, and how I perceive the twisted and unpredictable ways of mankind, I can say that I have reached that level of maturity where it best delivers its purpose. I hear the echoes and pleas of the innocent ones; I sense the purity and impurity of the impoverished; I smell the anger and rage of the deceived; I see the blacks and whites of the abused; I taste the hunger and thirst of the uneducated fool; and I breathe their longing to wrestle their lost identities.


What it must be, must be. The vulgarity of such carries with it a great sense of responsibility. One must be armed to swallow the weight of its bluntness, and endure the sting of its menace. There is no easy way but to get naked and bare your soul out in the open.



...There is a long way road to it. And I am more than prepared to take it --- knowing that, that is where I would want to be, exactly.

kismet II.

I have long witnessed the tenacity
Of your will, to which you’ve
Laid upon the ground you believe in.


I have seen you fight,
With the boldness of the words
You prefer to speak of.



I have dealt with the fury
Of your anger; but with such subtleness
You redeem yourself.



With these, I speak of what my eyes
See in you. I have long hoped for it
To measure down, with what I have to offer.
It wasn’t easy being your girl. But I did stay,
And I will, always.



I was never brave enough
To do the things I wanted to;
I was afraid of the callous providences ---
Hoping that it could save me,
From the perils of the strange and unfamiliar.




I am that soul, awaiting for miracles
To conjure somewhere, within my reach.
But you, you made me realize what it
Really means to be free.



I have done things I never thought I would,
And maybe, those were my
Escape, from years of longing and imprisonment.
But I am slowly chasing my own tail now and clinging dearly to it.


And I will live.
Just as you would like me to.
From all of the unwanted mayhem;
I surrender everything to you.




Love, know that, It, was for you. (figure it out)
I do not know how or why.
Maybe, I just did.






Forever yours, I will be.